I’m not going to lie, writing your guest list is one of the hardest parts of the wedding. You want to keep everyone happy while also sticking to your guns with who is being invited. It can be extra difficult if there is financial input from someone outside your relationship, your parents for example. Some feel that means they get a say in the wedding planning as well as being able to choose guests for the wedding. Before you make a list or lunge headfirst into any planning at all, it is best to sit down and discuss it with all the parties involved so they know how much or little of a say they are allowed to have.
I’m a firm believer in ‘your day, your way’ so feel as though the final say always comes down to the couple who are getting married.
Have a starting number in mind
A good starting point is to have a general starting number in mind; do you want a small wedding or a larger number of attendees? The starting number might change when you begin writing the list and you realise just how many great people there are! If you have a dream venue that you have already booked, it might dictate how many guests you can have as most venues will have a limit they can hold for both comfort reasons as well as health and safety. Also think about budget, the more guests you have attending, the larger the costs will be. A difference of 20 people may not sound like a lot but when you factor in invitations, food, drinks, cutlery, glassware, crockery, and all of the extra additions for styling, it can really increase the overall budget.
Divvy up how many guests you get each
This could either be straight down the middle so you get half each or it could be a slightly different percentage based on how big each family is in general. You can either do this before creating your individual lists or after, or even write the list together. This is also where you allocate a number to your parents if you choose to. Remember that both of you need to have the top tier (see below) included in the numbers so that all of the important people in your lives make the list!
Create more than one list
It is helpful to create multiple lists so it ends up being in a tiered style, or an A list and a B list. Family dynamics are unique with everyone so no two lists are ever the same.
Top Tier – these are the people that 100% HAVE to be at your wedding. This could be parents, siblings, grandparents, best friends, anyone that is really close to you. I always included best friends in this tier as I feel that they shouldn’t lose their place just because someone is a blood relative, which is why the tier system works, those closest to you get first dibs!
Second tier and beyond – other family members that didn’t make the top tier, friends, family friends.
As I said above, it will look different for everyone and you may have half of your extended family on one tier and the other on one below depending on your relationship with them. Where the tier system comes in handy is when you need to start cutting down on your guest list, the bottom tier is the first to be dropped.
Are children going to be invited?
Allowing children to attend can add a lot more names to your list! It is entirely up to you, as a couple, to decide what you would like to do. There are a few options such as allowing children to the ceremony and having an adult’s only reception, or having no children at all. If you have children yourself, you will of course want them to be a part of the day, this doesn’t mean that you are obligated to invite everyone’s offspring. It is your wedding and you can dictate who is invited. It is the same if you want your sisters’ son to be a guest, there doesn’t have to be a blanket rule for everyone, invite on a case by case basis.
What about plus ones?
This is another that can cause the guest numbers to skyrocket! Say you have 10 best friends and they are all in a relationship, this will result in 20 people for the guest list if you decide to include their partners. Don’t feel obliged to invite anyone because they are dating your friend, cousin or even sibling. It is the same as with the children, invite on a case by case basis, no one should begrudge you for not wanting people there that you’ve never met or aren’t close to.
How we sorted our guest list
We used all of the above to create it! Financially we have been given a certain amount of money to use towards the wedding from my parents. I also have a great relationship with my mum so this was a ‘no strings attached’ gift, we didn’t have to include anyone that she wanted, even so I still run most things by her since she is always honest! This meant that the only people involved with writing the list were Ash and I.
We sat down one day and wrote our list together starting with the top tier and knowing that we wanted around 60-70 guests. We also discussed which children would be invited; all are cousins and range from 2 years – 19 years. We decided to have a blanket rule of only inviting anyone over the age of 17 to the reception but also gave the parents of the older cousins a chance to veto their invite if they didn’t want them there! No one minded and the parents of the younger kids are happy about getting a chance to party without worrying.
For plus ones we were really lucky in the fact that we have meet most and are quite close with our friends’ partners. The majority have been together for quite a while, some even longer than Ash and I! Inviting them was exceptionally easy and they are all an amazing bunch of people that make our favourite people extremely happy.
When it came to writing the list, Ash found it easy, he comes from a small family so plonked them all, extended family too, with his besties on tier one and that was it! Since my immediate family, who I am ridiculously close with, came to the same number as half of Ash’s whole entire list, I had a tougher time and ended up with three tiers! I was quite cut throat and in the end we invited each of our top tiers only. This resulted in only inviting half of my extended family on either side. If we had invited them all, my family itself would have taken up every space! My mum was so incredible with this even though I’m sure she has copped a bit of flak from her family and hasn’t told me. In the end we have 66 people invited, and can guarantee that number won’t fall below 60 because everyone we have invited cares about us and are taking time out to celebrate our marriage, plus they all like an open bar!
Final Tips
Remember to stand your ground and don’t feel pushed into inviting someone you really don’t want there on the day. It is also helpful to have a sentence ready in case that awkward moment comes along where your wedding is being discussed and someone isn’t invited. A simple “I’m so sorry but we were limited on numbers so we have had to invite close friends and family only” works wonders. The best thing about weddings is usually (not always but usually!) no one will argue with the bride. If they kick up a stink about it, it shows that they don’t really have your best interests at heart. Most friends and family would understand. It also helps to keep open communication between you and your partner about family relationships and dynamics; you have the same goal so work together to get there. If you do have to let a person or two slide to keep the peace, don’t worry you won’t even notice them in your wedding day bubble that no one could ever burst.
If you have any other tips or questions, pop them in the comments below!
Ash xx